Thursday, April 30, 2009

Roll Over Beethoven

Favorite Coworker Quote of the Day:

Jenni: She’s rolling over in her grave! (pauses) Actually she was cremated, so…

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Man Scent

Somewhere at a Ross near you…on Monday night…

Leah picks up a graphically pleasing tube of lotion simply called “Chill”.

Leah: I like this; is it for sunburns? (searches container for signs of its usage)
Bridge: I think it’s for after you shave.
Leah: Oh. Okay.

Sometime later (two days) at a townhome near you (mine)

Sarah: Did you buy this?
Leah: Yeah. It’s for after you shave.
Sarah: You know this is for men, right?
Leah: What? (picks up bottle) Do you think I could still use it?
Sarah: I don’t know; does it smell musky? (smells lotion) Uh, no you can’t use it.
Leah: (smells lotion) It smells nice. Are you sure?
Sarah: Do you want to smell like a man?
Leah: I bought man’s lotion!
Sarah: Um, I’m pretty sure that’s “men’s lotion”.
Leah: (pauses) I BOUGHT MAN’S LOTION!
Sarah: That sounds like a disease.
Leah: I asked Bridgette what it was for. If she knew it was an aftershave lotion, WHY DIDN’T SHE TELL ME IT WAS FOR MEN?!
Sarah: Heh heh…I don’t know.

Monday, April 27, 2009


Sarah: You don’t think it’s because I’m not spiritual enough, right?
Leah: I’m sorry; I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Sarah: The reason it never works out. Do you think it’s because I’m evil or something?
Leah: (pauses to think)
Leah: (pauses a little longer)
Leah: You know, you get really weird when guys diss you.
Leah: (pauses again)
Leah: Some boys wear really tiny pants.

On a side note, Sarah and Bridgette won second place in a talent show this weekend. Videos are on their way…

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Watch Your Back or You Might Find A Knife In It

I’m a nice person. I am not bragging; really, I’m not!! I am constantly telling Sarah that I am just as mean as her, but that’s probably not true. Or rather, I’m mean in an entirely different way. Sarah usually likes everyone…until you do something or say something that offends her, and then you are on her shit list for life. My tip to you: don’t get on Sarah’s shit list. Because faster than you can say, “Holy shit, where did that knife come from?” she’ll have it lodged between your shoulder blades.

Most reading this have probably never seen me really angry. Even if you think you have; trust me, you haven’t. I have a quick, vicious temper, but ferocious Leah does not come out to play very often. Why, you may ask? Well, I’ll tell you (or, I’ll tell you what Sarah and I have decided): I don’t care enough about most people to get mad. That’s right. Sarah has this big trusting heart, and she only fights back when you’ve hurt her. Me? I generally think so poorly of everyone, that it frankly doesn’t matter to me what you say or do. You matter that little to me. I’m very much like my Sicilian father: either I like you, or I want to kill you. If you fly under my radar you’re lucky.
There are, however, a few exceptions to this rule.

• I get mad at those I care about.

• I am furious at people who offend/insult/hurt people I care about.

• You are a repulsive human being, and I feel compelled to inform you of this fact.

The moral of this story?

1. Don’t piss Sarah off because she’ll flip a lid. Don’t make Sarah cry, or I’ll go Medea on your ass. (If you don’t get the Medea reference, we can’t be friends.) I won’t bother to stab you in the back. I’ll look you right in the eyes when I thrust that knife in.

2. If I get mad at you (and I like you), chances are good that I’ll forgive you. Even if you were in the wrong (because you probably were).

3. You know what they say about Sicilian girls, right? (Text removed due to copyright issues.)

Thursday, April 16, 2009

An Attempt at Good Humor

Current Happy Things (or rather the stuff that I’m clinging to in order to get through the week.):

My new computer (Very pretty!! Pictures coming soon!)
My box of giveaway clothes
Coach sale at the Outlet (although I have yet to experience this first hand)
Bang trim
Going home at 3:30 to clean my house (yes, this makes me EXTREMELY happy)
Gyro salads
Car shopping (for Bridgette, but I can hope and dream)
Remembering to bring my lunch to work! Yay me!
The possibility of sunshine today
A certain song and dance routine ;D
IT’S THURSDAY (this means the weekend is close enough to taste)
Money back from taxes
The meat they put on the Gyros (yes it’s that good, and no I didn’t have breakfast)
Remembering to bring my phone to work
The baba ganoush at the Gyro place
Knowing I’m a nice enough person to put other people as top priorities in my life even if they haven’t thrown a fit to get there
My bent debit card is finally straightening out
Chocolate :)


Being at work
Not being able to leave for seven hours
Wanting a Gyro at 8:00 in the morning
Waking up too late to take a shower :(
Yard waste bins…grrr…
Being a low priority

Things to Keep in Mind:

The work week is almost over – chill out


Make an appointment for bang trims
Get gas

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Roman Hearts, Giggles, Loves and Lingerie

In my weekly email from Whitney, I received specific instructions to (apparently) lead a more exciting life than I do.

Thank you for your love and support and I just love you so much. Have a fantastic week and will you please 'tap that' so I can send you Italian wedding lingerie?!?!! But no thongs because those are trashy. Ok, love you, bye.

Hearts and Giggles with a wee bit of mischief,

Sorella Whitney L. Nelson

If only she’d inform me who to “tap”.


Thursday, April 9, 2009

Please Continue the Experiment, Teacher.

I’m trying to broaden my literary horizons. The brilliance that can be found in British literature over the last two hundred odd years is undeniable; however, it’s probably about time to read something new. Translation: I have exhausted a great portion of these works, and I can reread Wives and Daughters only so many times. The Learners, by Chip Kidd, is set in 1961 at an ad agency in New Haven. Our hero, Happy, a graphic designer recently graduated from art school, descends upon Spear, Rakoff & Ware with very few expectations beyond mirroring the life of his instructor/mentor. (Author note: Chip Kidd is an acclaimed Graphic Artist who has designed book-jackets for David Sedaris, Michael Crichton, Cormac McCarthy, Donna Tartt and many others. Ironically, the graphically pleasing cover art of The Learners is what originally caught my eye. Although it was not designed by him.) Office politics (both drama and comedy) between the amusing cast of characters, makes for a generally delightful and engaging read. Tip (a copy man) and Sketch (print designer/would-be cartoonist) are both better suited to a bustling, creative atmosphere (think Madison Avenue and Disney, respectively), while Mimi is both disturbing and amusing as the aged, skeletal, Coco Chanel-esque she-boss who longs to make the agency what it once was under her dead husband’s rule (don’t be fooled however, she doesn’t really miss her dearly departed spouse; she’s replaced him with a Great Dane named Hamlet. Get it? Great Dane? Hamlet?). Unfortunately, the witty repartee and situational comedy is short-lived due to the apparent need for melodrama. Enter Stanly Milgram, and his obedience study.

For those of you unaware of this psychologist or his experiment, let me enlighten you. In an attempt to explain how the Holocaust could have happened, social psychologist Stanley Milgram conducted a study in which a subject (the teacher) was asked to electrically shock another participant (the learner) if they answered a memory question incorrectly. This study was obviously a setup (in case you were worried, etc.), in which the “teacher” was the only one unaware of the real experiment taking place. The Psychiatry department at Yale estimated that only one in ten participants would distribute the full electrical charge (450 volts). When all was said and done, however, over 60% “shocked” the other “participant” when they were asked to do so. Messed up, huh? When Happy is assigned the copy and typography for the print ad, he becomes curious, and eventually becomes a participant. His eventual guilt, leads to a major moral dilemma. (In actuality, most of the participants felt free of any guilt connected to the study. Apparently, murder is only murder if you act of your own free will. If someone tells you to do something, not orders you to do it, you’re off scot free. Morally, at least).

The novel is low on plot and characterization and has a tendency to try way too hard to be something it’s not (a tale of morality, I suppose). But aside from these minor (hehe) grievances, the book was very witty and vibrant. No less then three times I found myself shutting the book and laughing out loud at some joke or another. Typography and graphics play a large role in the setup of the novel, which I found interesting at first, but by the end became a little too affected for my liking. As a whole I would recommend The Learners as a quick, offbeat read, with a mostly likeable cast of colorful characters, if only for pieces of dialogue such as this:

“’So, what are the refreshments?’ I didn’t see any on Tip’s desk.

‘Very, very special,’ he said, dragging a spare office chair behind the card table he’d set up next to the window. ‘I have a fly swatter that’s been dipped in tar and gravel. After the interview I’ll give them a quick smack across the face with it. Who wouldn’t be refreshed by that?’”

If you don’t find this amusing, then this probably isn’t the book for you.

Next up on my list, a tale of good old-fashioned family values…Medea! ;)

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Quote of the Day

“I think I might throw up before class starts, and not because I’m pregnant!”

Huh. Not sure how to respond to that one.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Patience is a Virtue

This last week was rush at the college (translation: too many students turn Leah’s brain into mush and she begins to exhibit serious anger management issues). Long hours plus dumb students does not make me a happy girl. On three (possibly four) separate occasions my coworker Mark informed me (in all seriousness) that I had the patience of a saint. Either the situations I find myself in are worse than I imagine them to be, or I really am patient (not like a saint; that’s obviously an exaggeration). The Monday after rush always leaves me a little frazzled, however, and so today I have seriously contemplated decking at least six different students. I refrained; I’d like to keep my job.

I have been fortunate enough to have this exact conversation countless times today…or at least some variation:

Me: Has your account been activated this quarter?
Dumb ass student: (blank stare)
Me: Have you used any of your funds for this quarter?
DS: (blank stare)
Me: (okay…) Have I helped you before?
DS: I don’t know.
Me: (really?) Do you have your student id card?
DS: They haven’t given me one yet…
Me: You can get those in the library. Do you have any form of id with you?
DS: No. My wallet was stolen/I lost my wallet/I left it at home/I left it in the car… (take your pick)
Me: Do you have a copy of your schedule? (student hands me a copy of their syllabus) This isn’t your schedule, actually. I need to have some sort of proof you are who you say you are before I can activate your account.
DS: Can’t you just use this?
Me: No, I can’t.
DS: But I know my student id number…
Me: (I count to ten) I’m sorry; I have to see either your student id card, preferably, or your license.
DS: I have a student id card from (insert high school name here).
Me: I’m sorry, but I can’t use that.
DS: But, I’ve used it here before. I’m pretty sure you were the one who helped me, and you said it was okay.
Me: (oh, now you remember coming here?) I am fairly certain I wouldn’t have said that, however if I did I was mistaken. I can not process your account without the proper identification. I am sorry.

I worry about these kids. I really do.